BREAKING NEWS: KING COBRA UNDISPUTED CHAMPION OF ALL FORTIES

According to recent, entirely unscientific taste tests, King Cobra is the undisputed best of all forties that are out there, or at least all of those worth trying. Now, as most of you know, I'VE BEEN SAYING THIS SHIT FOR YEARS. Specifically ever since the glorious spring break of 2003 (WOOOOOO SPRING BREAK!!!!), I've been evangelizing the many benefits of this brand. So it feels really good to be vindicated by the experts at [whatever that website was].






Here is a breakdown of the study's results:

Colt 45:
It has an over-carbonated sweetness that reminds me of Miller High Life, and I hate Miller High Life. But if it's good enough for Billy Dee Williams, it's good enough for me, even if Billy Dee's famous claim that it "works every time" is only applicable to my life if the work in question involves passing out in the bushes on the way home from Kevin O'Malley's house the summer before 12th grade.

Mickey's:
The taste is mild and unassuming, which is a good thing in a beverage category full of dubious assumptions. With rebuses on the underside of the caps, it's also the thinking man's 40.

Steel Reserve:
This sickly yellow beaut is 8.1% ABV and tastes like dry topsoil, and not in an altogether unpleasant way.

St. Ides:
Celebrity endorser Ice Cube is my favorite West Coast rapper, which is not nearly enough to compensate for the ugly truth. It tastes like cotton. St. Ides sucks.

Haffenreffer Private Stock:
This was the easiest 40 to come by during my misspent youth, and I still like it even though it's a bit soapier than I remembered. Bonus points for being brewed in Jamaica Plain back in the good old days before the bakeries squeezed out the malt liquories. (My research assistant, despite having been conceived in JP, thought it was the worst of the bunch. She cited the taste and the aftertaste as two particular flaws; when pressed for a specific description, she said, "It tastes like something I hate.")

Olde English 800:
This tastes like nine parts stale beer mixed with one part store-brand cream soda. I hope my man Eazy E snuck into heaven, but if not the silver lining is that they surely serve his beloved OE in hell.

King Cobra:
This tasted faintly of overripe lemon and very little else, which made it the runaway winner of our tasting.